


Don't Go

by Tirenminsu (Tiramisseun)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst in Fluff's Clothing, Emotional Constipation, Forgive Me, M/M, Oh also, and is a word vomit, damn i love that tag, i didnt think this through, i only wanted to write something, i think, idk where i went with this, nct china maybe, other than this is unbeta-ed, that's all you need to know, uwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 19:04:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14677509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiramisseun/pseuds/Tirenminsu
Summary: I’ll miss you. Jaemin wants to say.But he doesn’t. So he just tightens his arms around Renjun, ignoring his feelings and the nasty voices in his head. He breathes in Renjun’s scent.It’s okay, he’s still here.He’s with me.





	Don't Go

**Author's Note:**

> tbh idk where i went with this but uh , blame my dream , uwu
> 
> scream at me ? ? ? [ @Tirenminsu ](https://twitter.com/tirenminsu)
> 
> Edit: I forgot to add but uh , 
> 
> I was listening to Zeru's cover of Ikanaide [ here ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X42aW8aJmI8)
> 
> give it a listen !!!

_ It’s fine _ , Jaemin assures himself as he watches Renjun intently practicing his ballet.

The company has let Renjun choreograph his own dance for the dance break that he’s going to perform in the showcase. Renjun, obviously overjoyed by the news, has been practicing non-stop, choreographing his own dance moves and incorporating both modern dance and ballet---his specialities---steps.

He looks amazing.

Everytime Renjun does the spin thing in ballet---- _ a pirouette _ , Jaemin reminds himself, remembering how Renjun keeps on reminding him what those moves are called. Jaemin feels his heart twirl in his chest. He’s sparkling---- _ Renjun’s glowing _ . Despite how many times he fell, how many times he made a mistake, how many times he thinks he’s not doing good enough---which is  _ bullshit _ , in Jaemin’s opinion---he still has this smile on his face that makes Jaemin’s heart leap and soar.

He’s dazzling.

_ Renjun’s dazzling _ .

Jaemin remembers, it was somewhere when their NCT127 hyungs had just started promoting  _ “Touch” _ and their own  _ “Go” _ promotions had come to an end when Renjun came to his room, practically skipping, an excited smile on his face and an exuberant bounce in his step. Jaemin immediately had sat up---and the next thing he knows is that Renjun jumps onto him, hugging him by the torso.

_“What happened?”_ _Jaemin automatically asks, smiling back. It’s the power of the Renjun effect. “Did something good happen?’_

_ “Good?” Renjun raises his voice---but it’s more on excitement with a hint of anticipation than any negative emotion, he fixes his position so he’s eye to eye with Jaemin, “It’s the best news I’ve ever heard!” _

_ Jaemin’s heart thunders in his chest, the way Renjun is practically vibrating with happiness and warmth gets to him, his smile brightens, “Oh?” He exclaims, “What kind of news is it?” _

_ Renjun bites his lips in excitement, “NCT China will happen soon!” _

_ At that moment, Jaemin feels his heart drop. Dread clawing up his throat. He feels his throat close up. No matter how many times he want the words “Congratulations!” or “I’m happy for you!” to come out of his mouth, it doesn’t. Before Renjun could notice---hopefully he didn’t---Jaemin pulls him by the back of his head and buries Renjun’s face into the crook of his neck. _

_ “Jaeminnie?” Renjun softly speaks, it sends chills down Jaemin’s spine. It makes his chest filled with warmth but somehow---somehow, it makes it hurt more. “Jaeminnie?” Renjun calls out again, Jaemin buries his face against Renjun’s hair. His voice seems farther away. _

_ Jaemin breathes in Renjun’s scent, it comforts him a little, but he couldn’t help the deep, aching feeling of dread and loneliness he has deep inside his chest. _

Seeing the way Renjun is now---happily dancing and working hard---more so than he usually does. Jaemin can’t help but feel guilty on how he can’t congratulate his friend--- _ friend, _ Jaemin wants to scoff at that word, it sounds disgusting--- when this is probably one of the things that Renjun had anticipated the most.

He can’t help it.

He really, really can’t.

Jaemin remembers how hollow and empty he felt the next day, when he finds himself in the living room, mindlessly stirring the teaspoon in his coffee while looking at somewhere in particular---clearly spacing out. He had gone out with no sleep--not that he wanted to,  _ but he couldn’t _ . It was hard to sleep when all he felt was like he was an empty shell. The way the emptiness, hollow feeling had kept him awake. His fingers had ran cold, every movement  _ hurt _ , and he couldn’t even breathe properly without feeling like he has to take deep breaths.

The weight in his chest is crushing him and his heart along with it.

_ He suddenly feels two weights beside him, he sees Jeno and Jisung sit together on both of his sides. Jeno looks colder than he would normally look, his face is stoic and hardened. Jaemin could see how he’s clenching his jaw. Jisung---on the other hand---is silently sniffling behind his sweater paw, his eyes tinted light red. _

_ “NCT China, huh,” Jeno says, to no one in particular. It makes Jaemin sigh deeply and audibly. “Who would’ve known it would be this soon?” Jeno lets out a pathetic laugh. Jaemin knows he’s affected as much as he is. _

_ “I barely even had enough time with him since I came back,” Jaemin says, slowly and hoarsely, trying not to make his voice betray him. Each word felt like it pulled a piece of his heart. “He can’t…” Jaemin feels himself choke on his words, his throat closing in on him. His eyes stings from the unshed tears. _

_ “Ha,” Jeno exclaims in a long exhale, clearly frustrated, “Imagine being with him most of the time only for you to wake up without him one day,” He laughs deprecatingly, “This is stupid.” _

_ “Chenle too,” Jisung voices out, “We all knew it would happen one day, but still,” Jaemin aches at how awful and sad Jisung’s voice sounded. _

_ “They looked so happy though,” Jaemin comments, recollecting the bright smiles of Renjun and Chenle when they announced the news to the three of them---since Mark and Donghyuck hasn’t gotten back yet and the two chinese boys were too excited to keep their mouths shut---over dinner yesterday. _

_ They were so happy they both even unconsciously switched back to chinese and began gushing with each other about the possible plans and things they could do and will do once they’re back in China. _

_ It filled them with dread---it was Jeno who excused himself first while Jisung and Jaemin just sat in silence while watching Renjun and Chenle looking like little kids on a christmas day. Their faces too bright and Jisung and Jaemin didn’t have in it in them to say their thoughts out loud. _

_ “We’re not though.” Jeno answers. _

_ ‘We’re not.” Jaemin affirms, Jisung nods beside him. “But does our opinion matter when they smile at us like---like that?” Jaemin’s voice cracks. _

_ “We just have to be happy for them, right?” Jisung silently says. _

_ “Right,” Jeno grumbles, “Be happy for them.” _

_ Jaemin doesn’t say anything in fear that he might start crying.  _

Jaemin snaps out of his reverie when he feels something pull on his cheek----his eyes focuses on a pouting Renjun, pulling his cheek.

“Jaeminnie~” Renjun intones, “Were you that bored watching me?” He tilts his head to the side, and  _ it’s so cute _ despite his wet hair and that he’s dripping of sweat from practicing for hours.

“No,” Jaemin shakes his head, he lets a smile make it to his face, “Why would a be bored when I’m watching as beautiful as you?” He playfully teases.

Renjun scoffs, playfully slapping him by the arm, “You were looking pretty bored if you ask me.”

Jaemin just stares at him for a moment before sighing, a lazy smile on his lips. He grabs Renjun’s wrist and pulls him closer----until Renjun’s face is buried in his chest. “I would never get bored watching you.” He comments, his voice barely above whisper. 

“Ugh,” Renjun exclaims in disbelief, “Let me go! I’m covered in sweat!” He reminds Jaemin, trying to get away from his grasp. Jaemin stubbornly hardens his grasp and Renjun stops fighting it. “Jaemin?” Renjun calls out again, his soft voice makes Jaemin’s heartache.

_ Don’t go _ , Jaemin want’s to say,  _ Don’t leave _ .

Instead, he says, “You should really take a bath soon.” He teases, wrinkling his nose for effect. Renjun scoffs at him as he separated himself from Jaemin.

“Told you,” He says before standing up and getting his bag with his extra clothes, “Wait for me?” Renjun asks, as he looks back at Jaemin.

“I’ll wait for you,” Jaemin smiles.

_ Even if it takes forever. _

* * *

It’s eight in the evening when they finally began walking back towards the dorms.

Jaemin likes these walks. It’s undeniably one of his favourite reasons and routines on why he always accompanies Renjun. It’s always just the two of them in these walks---most of the time, with the occasional Jeno or Winwin at times. It would be just them, the silent streets, their voices filling the silence under the night sky.

Tonight, however, Jaemin feels something different as Renjun laughs, a skip in his step as he walks a few steps ahead of Jaemin. He looks amazing---Renjun always does. But right now, under the night with only the streetlights shining above him, the smile on his face is somehow brighter.

_ It’s alluring _ .

Jaemin doesn’t even know what Renjun’s talking about already, doesn’t notice the way Renjun had already stopped in his steps. Jaemin stares at the way Renjun’s eyes crinkles when he laughs, the way his lips look softer and prettier each time Jaemin looks at it, he takes notice of the bracelet that Renjun had stopped wearing on stage---and started wearing them in private in an almost endearing way that makes Jaemin’s heart flip.

Jaemin doesn’t notice the way Renjun has stopped talking, his eyes and consciousness taking all of Renjun. His height, how small and tiny he is compared to him---or the rest of the Dreamies for that matter, his eyes, his small hands, his soft hair, his nose, and his lips.

Jaemin doesn’t even realise that he’s already cupping Renjun’s cheeks in both of his hands, his thumbs gently and softly brushing Renjun’s soft skin. _ It’s impossible to be this beautiful _ , Jaemin thinks,  _ but this is Renjun, he is already inhumanly beautiful _ . He stares deeply into Renjun’s eyes, there’s a twinkle in them that makes Jaemin’s heart flutter. His goes downs to Renjun’s lips and sees him bite it for a moment before licking them.

Jaemin doesn’t know what’s gotten into him when he leans in and his lips meets Renjun’s. Jaemin tastes the slight strawberry lip balm Renjun has that he would usually hate---but he doesn’t mind the taste on Renjun. He feels Renjun’s hand cover his. Warmth explodes inside Jaemin’s chest, his heart beating loudly in his ears.

Jaemin’s a little clumsy and so is Renjun, but Jaemin doesn’t mind it everytime their lips meet after separating for a second. It’s soft, gentle, sweet, a little clumsy and messy.

But it’s perfect.

Jaemin smiles against Renjun’s lips, his breathing heavy as they leave their foreheads touching.

“Sorry,” Renjun softly apologises in between breaths, “That’s my first,” Renjun shyly admits. Jaemin’s heart skips a beat.

“Don’t worry,” Jaemin assures him, a teasing smile playing on his lips, “We have a lot of time to practice.”

Jaemin kisses Renjun again. And again. Ang again after that.

Jaemin is pleased when they finally got back to the dorms only to discover that Renjun’s lip is a little bit bruised.

* * *

Jaemin and Renjun gets into a new routine.

Well, not exactly an  _ entirely _ new routine. It’s their old routine with only cuddling added---Jaemin personally doesn’t know where to slot it in, but anytime he’s with Renjun is automatically considered cuddling time to him. Renjun would just be sitting on the couch and the next thing Jaemin knows is that he’s already seated on the couch with Renjun in between his legs. Renjun’s back against his chest as Jaemin buries his face against the crook of Renjun’s neck.

So it doesn’t surprise Jaemin when Renjun starts coming into his bedroom in the middle of the night, wiggling his way underneath Jaemin’s blankets and arms to cuddle with him. Renjun would bury his face against Jaemin’s chest, his arm would go around Jaemin, and would tangle their legs. Jaemin would put his arm around Renjun and his hands on Renjun’s sliky, soft hair, and would play with it until they eventually fall asleep.

“Jaeminnie,” Renjun one day calls out, “I’m really, really excited with NCT China.”

Jaemin feels himself unconsciously stop his breathing at the mention of the name, but he tries to act normal, “I’m excited for you too.” He comments.

“I mean,” Jaemin can hear the excitement in Renjun’s voice, it makes his heart drop into his stomach. Ugly, disgusting feelings climb into his throat. “We’ll be back in my home country promoting NCT and it’s just,” Renjun sighs almost dreamily, “I miss being back in China.”

_ I’ll miss you _ . Jaemin wants to say.

But he doesn’t. So he just tightens his arms around Renjun, ignoring his feelings and the nasty voices in his head. He breathes in Renjun’s scent.

_ It’s okay, he’s still here. _

_ He’s with me _ .

“Jaeminnie?” Renjun softly calls out to him.

“I’m sleepy,” is all Jaemin replies. Renjun chuckles, tightening his arms around Jaemin.

“Good Night, Jaemin,” Renjun says. Renjun’s close but somehow Jaemin feels like he’s getting farther away----away from him.

_ “I love you.” _ is what he wants to say.

“Good Night, Injun,” is what he says.

* * *

Somehow, months had already flown by without Renjun and Jaemin noticing.

They kept doing their routine, trying not to notice the impending  _ expiration date _ of their time together. The dread that keeps them both up late into the night in each other’s arms. The reason of why the atmosphere between them started being suffocating and heavy. The reason why they couldn’t laugh as freely as they used to.

Jaemin and Renjun finally sees themselves in the airport---Jaemin practically having to kiss up his way with their manager just to be able to go with them. 

_ “It’ll hurt you more _ ,” Their manager said.

_ “It’s not something I can’t handle _ ,” He replied.

China line---somehow even that phrase leaves a bitter taste in Jaemin’s mouth---got their flight the last minute possible. They were able to stay with each other in the parking lot for hours before Renjun had to be dropped in the airport.

With each turn of the van, the disgusting feeling inside Jaemin’s stomach rises. All the anxiety and dread rising into his throat making him want to puke.

“I have to go,” Renjun says, squeezing Jaemin’s hand. Jaemin knows his hands are sweaty and clammy but he can’t bother to let Renjun go, “Jaeminnie,” Renjun begs.

_ Don’t make this harder than it’s supposed to, _ Jaemin could hear Renjun say.

Jaemin swallows, “Injunnie,” He calls out, not knowing what to say with his throat closing up.

_ “I’ll miss you. _ ” Jaemin wants to say, but his it gets harder to breathe.

Renjun cups his cheek and smiles sweetly, “I know.” is all he says before he goes down.

He glances one last look at Jaemin before the door closes.

_ I shouldn’t cry _ , He tells himself.

So he doesn’t. 

But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less.

* * *

Jaemin hasn’t spoken to Renjun in approximately, give or take, two months, eighteen days, and twelve hours.

They had already finished their showcase, they have already debuted as  _ NCT China _ \----the name still tastes bitter in Jaemin’s thoughts and tongue---but he hasn’t seen any of it. He refuses to do so. Jaemin hasn’t even  _ tried _ watching the music video despite the comments and the praises the other Dreamies give. 

Jaemin  _ knows _ it’s petty. But it still hurts.

Waking up to no Renjun  _ hurts _ .

But now, in the quietness of the nights, with the coldness in his bed, and the numbness he feels in his veins. He watches it.

Everytime Renjun appears in the video, Jaemin’s heart clenches so awfully and painfully that he wants to stop---but hearing Renjun’s voice gives him comfort that he didn’t know he needed. It’s painful,  _ so painful _ .

But what’s more painful is that in the video, Renjun wears the bracelet Jaemin gave him for his “birthday”.

_ The only thing that connects the both of them now. _

Jaemin chokes up on his sobs, all the pain he has felt since Renjun had announced the news, to Renjun leaving, to Renjun not being able to contact him is released. 

_ Has breathing always felt this hard? _ Jaemin wonders, because surely, this has only happened because of Renjun. Jaemin feels his skin tingle, coldness spreading out into his body.

_ “Don’t go,” _ Jaemin whispers, even though he knows Renjun wouldn’t be able to hear him anymore.  _"I miss you." He breathes, "I'll wait for you."_ is what he thinks.

And so he does.


End file.
